dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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