Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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