Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
