I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
