Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
