If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
