I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
