Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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