I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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