He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
