Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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