ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You need Xanax blowdarts
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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