Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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