god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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