im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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