My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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