Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
