I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
