good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
