I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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