Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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