God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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