well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
