Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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