can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
smell my finger.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
