Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
