I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
