im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
