how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
