I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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