bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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