Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
