Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
