I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
