My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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