i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
