I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
