I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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