I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
