Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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