the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
this boner is exhausting
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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