Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
