well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
