Your mouth is God's brothel.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
