Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
