So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Couch. On fire.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
