I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
