I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
