Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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