they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
