fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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