I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
