i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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