You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
and you fell through a lawn chair
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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