There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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