That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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