I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
